License to Drill
by RCGumby
Summary: I'm BA-ACK!  And this time I've set my gunsights on James Bond.  He's going to be *really* shaken after this parody.  Story rated T, though the title probably rates M.  Enjoy, rate, and review.
1. Teaser

LICENSE TO DRILL

The major characters in this story are based very loosely, we hope on characters under copyright to Ian Fleming, and are meant in no way to profit from his work. As if we'd make any profit from this garbage if we tried.

TEASER

A familiar theme starts playing as a white circle migrates toward the right side of the screen. It stops at the screen's edge as it focuses on JAMES BOMB 006-1/2 in his trademark tuxedo. The circle expands to form a P.O.V. down the barrel of a gun, and follows Bomb as he walks toward the center of the screen. Once there, he spins toward the camera and aims his pistol straight at it. After a few tense moments, Bomb grins and re-aims the pistol toward his right. He pulls the trigger, and a BANG! flag pops out.  
>The circle drops onto the bottom of the screen with an audible THUMP! and dribbles pathetically toward the right-hand corner, whereupon it expands to fill the screen and show:<p>

SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of CORPORATE BUILDING, LONDON

The building has a large sign about halfway up the front: "UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS". But in reality it's the secret headquarters of Great Britain's international espionage network, Am-I-Sick.

SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, HEAD OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS

W, the head of Am-I-Sick, is meeting with a cabinet MINISTER in the well-furnished office.

MINISTER  
>You know how important this shipment is, W! If it should fall into the wrong hands...<p>

W  
>I know full well that the safety of the free world is at stake, Minister.<p>

MINISTER  
>Not just the free world, the expensive world, the cheap world, the no-interest-for-one-year world...<br>(beat)  
>You must send one of your best agents to pick it up as soon as it arrives in England.<p>

W  
>All of our double-0's are on other assignments overseas, although one was supposed to be back by now. He was in Cancun investigating a secret training camp for an international league of assassins.<p>

MINISTER  
>Perhaps he's still tying up loose ends?<p>

SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, PRIVATE BEACH CABANA, CANCUN

James Bomb is tying up the loose ends of a young WOMAN's string bikini.

BOMB  
>Where did you learn to hold your breath for so long?<p>

WOMAN  
>I had quite a bit of training in breath control. Best in my class.<p>

BOMB  
>Really? In what else were you best in class?<p>

WOMAN  
>Marksmanship.<p>

The woman sits up, reaches behind herself, and pulls out a compact pistol and aims it point-blank at Bomb.

BOMB  
>(surprised)<br>Where were you hiding that?

WOMAN  
>(getting angry)<br>That's for me to know, and you never to know. Say your prayers, Bomb.

BOMB  
>In what denomination?<p>

WOMAN  
>(suddenly furious)<br>I DON'T CARE! Just sit there and die, you miserable spy!

BOMB  
>"Spy." Would this have something to do with the closing of the assassins training camp?<p>

WOMAN  
>"Closing!" You demolished the entire campground and annihilated all the trainers and trainees! I was the only survivor, and I'm going to make you pay for what you did!<p>

BOMB  
>I can understand the need to avenge your comrades -<p>

WOMAN  
>Comrades, nothing! Do you know how hard it is for an assassin to get unemployment comp!<p>

BOMB  
>Yes, the job market for assassins is dead, isn't it?<p>

WOMAN  
>AAAAAAGGHH!<p>

During the split-second the assassin is screaming at Bomb's horrible pun, Bomb kicks the pistol out of her hand. He tries to clobber her with a champagne ice bucket next, but she deflects it and throws a karate punch toward him. He flips her over his head and she crashes through the wall of the cabana, attracting a crowd of onlookers. She spots her pistol on the ground, grabs it, and quickly runs from the scene. Bomb jumps out of the cabana with his own pistol and chases after her. Their chase takes them to a nearby pier where two water-skiers and boats are preparing their equipment. The assassin reaches one skier, pushes him off the pier, and quickly straps on the skis. The BOAT OWNER in the boat attached to the tow line sees the attempted hijack.

BOAT OWNER  
>(yells)<br>Hey! Whaddaya think you're doing!

The assassin waves her pistol at the boat owner.

WOMAN  
>(yells)<br>Get going!

The boat owner, who must be at least a hundred feet away, isn't intimidated.

BOAT OWNER  
>(yells)<br>You really think you could hit me from that far away?

The woman fires her pistol, neatly shooting off the boat owner's sailor hat and leaving a narrow, shaved furrow in the hair on top of his head.

BOAT OWNER  
>(with sh*t-eatin' grin)<br>Hold tight!

The boat owner guns the motor and takes off at top speed. The woman jumps off the dock and expertly water-skis away just as Bomb reaches the end of the dock. He quickly spies another boat with another water-skier getting ready to go. Bomb shoves him off the dock, puts on the skis, and shouts to this boat's owner:

BOMB  
>Follow that skier!<p>

The second boat's owner guns the motor and takes off after the first boat in a high-speed chase. They start out more-or-less parallel to the beach, Bomb and the assassin shooting at each other, the two boat owners desperately ducking to avoid crossfire and dodging to avoid all the buoys in the water. As Bomb catches up to her, both run out of ammo and throw their guns away. Once they're neck and neck, the assassin starts sideswiping Bomb, trying to knock him off his skis. Bomb responds in kind.  
>As they repeatedly slam into each other, they come upon a ski jump. Both take the jump, still slamming into each other in mid-air. Both misjudge their footing upon landing back in the water: Bomb ends up on his back, the assassin standing on his upturned legs, both their skis tangled with each other, as they continue moving at boat speed. They try to untangle themselves and continue fighting at the same time, ending up in a bunch of different positions that look like stunt skiing at Cyprus Gardens.<br>Both boats swerve sharply to avoid another beach just as Bomb and the assassin finally disengage, and in the process Bomb's ski snaps the assassin's tow line. Bomb is dragged into turning with his boat while the assassin continues speeding toward the beach, specifically toward a steep boat trailer ramp angling out of the water. Bomb lets go of his tow line and slows down to hit the beach at a safe speed, and watches as the assassin's momentum shoots her at top speed up the ramp and high into the air, screaming, tumbling, and flailing limbs.

SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, STUDENT HOSTEL, CANCUN

The scene inside looks like Spring Break's answer to "Animal House" : Dozens of rowdy college kids in swimsuits dance, drink, and cheer around a bucket of water under a tall makeshift ladder and diving board, egging on an idiot on the diving board preparing to leap off into the bucket. Suddenly the assassin crashes through the roof and into the bucket herself, her momentum carrying her body and the bucket through the floor and several feet into the ground below.  
>The kids stare in shocked silence for a few seconds as pieces of broken ceiling rain down amongst them, then cheer even louder than before.<br>Bomb enters the hostel to see them covered in ceiling plaster and cheering around the assassin's body.

BOMB  
>She really brought down the house.<p>

TITLE SEQUENCE begins

Sequence includes TITLE CARDS:  
>"SHUN CANNERY"<br>"as Ian Phlegm's JAMES BOMB 006-1/2"  
>"in LICENSE TO DRILL"<p>

The title sequence includes many titillating images or least what would be titillating if this weren't a spoof: Young women in bikinis with several missing teeth or removable hair; Bomb himself wearing a bikini; A young woman holding a large bazooka instead of a pistol; An explosion, out of which Bomb emerges charred and tattered; etc, etc.

TITLE SEQUENCE ends

TO BE STARTED

This is a work of fiction. If these events happened in real life, the policeman filing the reports would be laughed off the force.


	2. Chapter 1: For Your Nose Only

LICENSE TO DRILL

Chapter 1: For Your Nose Only

SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, HARDWARD STORE, LONDON

A storekeeper, MR. RATCHETBAR, is in the middle of a sales pitch.

RATCHETBAR  
>. . . And you won't find a more powerful chainsaw in the British Isles. This little gadget packs more than 800 horsepower in an engine that could push an ocean liner to the moon.<p>

He struggles to pick up a giant chainsaw that must weigh at least a hundred pounds and is nearly as long as he is tall.

RATCHETBAR (cont.)  
>Look at the chain on this! I promise you, this beaver's nightmare can slice through a tree two meters wide in just twenty seconds, and the price is just right. Well, what do you think?<p>

CUT to show his customer:

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL  
>I'll take it!<p>

The five-year-old girl picks up the chainsaw with one arm and carries it to the checkout counter with ease.  
>A STOCKBOY approaches Ratchetbar.<p>

STOCKBOY  
>Mr. Ratchetbar? That shipment of imported ceramic tiles has just arrived.<p>

RATCHETBAR  
>Oh good, Mr. Smith'll be glad to hear it.<p>

STOCKBOY  
>I doubt it.<p>

RATCHETBAR  
>Why not?<p>

SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, STOCK ROOM

Ratchetbar and the stockboy stare at a package marked FRAGILE. The package is bent, twisted, folded, spindled, mutilated, etc.

RATCHETBAR  
>I'LL KILL THAT BLOODY DELIVERY SERVICE!<p>

STOCKBOY  
>Would you settle for the man who delivered it? He's still here.<p>

Ratchetbar wails on the DELIVERY MAN:

RATCHETBAR  
>How could you morons let this happen! These tiles were handmade in eastern Suritan by Amakeyu Adeel, the most famous tile maker in the village of Minnis Kyul!<p>

STOCKBOY  
>(mutters to self)<br>The only tile maker in the village of Minnis Kyul.

Ratchetbar heard him.

RATCHETBAR  
>Shut up!<br>(to delivery man)  
>These tiles were a special order for Mr. John Smith - a very expensive special order! And thanks to your company's complete incompetence I've got nothing to sell him but a box of porcelain gravel!<p>

DELIVERY MAN  
>We aim to please. Good day.<p>

The delivery man turns to leave, but:

RATCHETBAR  
>Oh no you don't, get back here! I m holding you to the guarantee!<p>

DELIVERY MAN  
>What guarantee?<p>

RATCHETBAR  
>The one that says I get my money back if the package isn't delivered to me in perfect condition!<p>

DELIVERY MAN  
>Oh all right, here.<p>

He pulls a small coin out of his pocket and tosses it into Ratchetbar's outstretched palm.

RATCHETBAR  
>Five pence? I paid fifteen pounds for this delivery!<p>

DELIVERY MAN  
>So? We never said you'd get all your money back.<p>

The delivery man turns, and this time he does leave.

RATCHETBAR  
>That's the last time I trust an important delivery to a company run by a chap named Honest Sam.<p>

Another MAN enters the stock room from behind. Ratchetbar hears him approach and turns angrily toward him.

RATCHETBAR  
>Hey, you're not allowed in here! This is employees only!<p>

MAN  
>That's all right, I just came for those tiles.<p>

RATCHETBAR  
>Oh really, well you re not Mr. Smith. Go away!<p>

MAN  
>I don't think so.<p>

The Man exhales deeply in their direction. Ratchetbar and the stockboy take only a couple of sniffs of his breath and immediately fall to the floor dead. The Man grabs the package and runs away.  
>A SALESWOMAN enters the stock room and sees her dead co-workers.<p>

SALESWOMAN  
>Look at that. Slacking off again!<p>

SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, HEAD OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS

W presses his intercom button.

W  
>Miss Funnymoney, has Bomb returned yet?<p>

Through the windows, he hears the sound of a car screeching to a halt outside with a loud crash, probably into several garbage cans, other cars, and at least one building with large windows.

FUNNYMONEY (V.O.)  
>I believe that's him now, Sir.<p>

W  
>That's the eighth car he's wrecked this month! Oh never mind, as soon as he gets up here, send him in!<p>

FUNNYMONEY (V.O.)  
>Yes, Sir.<p>

CUT to SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, MISS FUNNYMONEY'S OFFICE

MISS FUNNYMONEY sits at her desk working. JAMES BOMB enters the office.

BOMB  
>Hello, Funnymoney. Penny for your thoughts?<p>

FUNNYMONEY  
>(sarcastic)<br>Ha-ha! W wants to see you right away.

BOMB  
>"Right away." I take it the old boy has something important to say, perhaps something that will require the attention of Britain's best secret agent?<p>

FUNNYMONEY  
>Yes, but he's not here, you'll have to do.<p>

BOMB  
>Touche, Funnymoney.<p>

He tosses his hat onto the hat stand across the room, and a small pistol pops out of the hatband and blasts a hole through the opposite wall.

FUNNYMONEY  
>Watch it with that hat, James! You're putting more holes in the walls than last year's termites!<p>

BOMB  
>Perhaps I should wear my other hat next time. It's positively dynamite.<p>

Bomb crosses the office and goes through the door to W's office.

FUNNYMONEY  
>I should get double hazard pay for this job.<p>

SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, W'S OFFICE

Bomb, having just entered, approaches W's desk.

W  
>Sit down, 006 12.

Bomb does so.

W (cont.)  
>I had planned to assign you to pick up an important shipment from Harley Street Hardware as soon as you got back from Cancun. Unfortunately, while you were avoidably delayed there, a man entered the store and stole the shipment, a package of ceramic tiles.<p>

BOMB  
>He must've been desperate to have his bathroom re-floored.<p>

W  
>That is NOT the reason, Bomb! The designs on the tiles are actually the schematics of a complex computer circuit designed to better control our communications satellites. In order to foil possible attempts to steal the circuit design enroute to Britain, the scientists who developed it, under the supervision of Agent 009 14, had the tiles specially made in Suritan and mailed to Britain, where you were to purchase them. Unfortunately, an enemy agent got to them first. Is all that understood?

Bomb glances toward the camera, then back to W.

BOMB  
>I think they get the idea.<p>

W  
>Good. Fortunately, the tiles were not handled with care, so it may take some time before they're put back together, time enough for you to do something about it.<p>

BOMB  
>Check store records and see who's bought a lot of glue recently?<p>

W  
>No!<p>

He opens a desk drawer and pulls out a photograph to hand to Bomb.

W

Surviving eyewitnesses identify this man as the culprit: A. Pauling Stench, an international criminal wanted for murder, smuggling, industrial espionage, taking candy from babies, tearing tags off pillows, and jaywalking at a T-intersection.

BOMB  
>Yes, I've heard of him. His usual choice of weapon is deadly body odor, isn't it?<p>

W  
>That's how he got away from the store. We tried to have him stopped at airport security before he could flee the country, but when they made him take off his shoes . . .<p>

Pregnant pause.

BOMB  
>Oh dear.<p>

W  
>Precisely. He's in Las Vegas by now. Your new assignment is to go there, find him, recover the tiles, and if possible determine who he's working for. Our sources tell us he frequents a local casino called the Plugged Nickel.<p>

BOMB  
>Sounds like a good place for a slug. I'll leave right away.<p>

W  
>Before you go, Bomb, I remind you this is a standard investigation. You are simply going to track down a suspect and acquire information. There's no need to get into any fights or car chases, or destroy thousands of pounds in property! Is that understood?<p>

BOMB  
>Perfectly, Sir.<p>

W  
>And I don't want you picking up every attractive woman that comes within a hundred meters of you. We re getting tired of you writing off all your prophylactics and mononucleosis treatments on your business account! I am ordering you to make this a nonviolent, inexpensive, and sex-free assignment!<p>

BOMB  
>But then no one will watch this movie.<p>

W  
>. . . . Yes, well . . . try to keep it within budget at least.<p>

BOMB  
>Very good, Sir.<p>

Bomb stands up, walks back to the door, and exits the office. After a few seconds, W glances down at his desk and notices something's missing. He quickly activates his intercom.

W  
>Miss Funnymoney, is Bomb still there?<p>

FUNNYMONEY (V.O.)  
>Yes, Sir.<p>

W  
>Did Bomb take a blue and gold pen that was lying on my desk? It was specially made for me by the research department.<p>

BOMB (V.O.)  
>Sorry Sir, must have been a reflex. Hope there was no harm done.<p>

W  
>Not unless you turn the cap clockwise.<p>

BLAMMO! A loud explosion is suddenly heard over the intercom. W squeezes his eyes shut at a sudden headache.

W  
>Like that.<p>

BOMB (V.O.)  
>I'll just be off to Vegas, as soon as I get a new tuxedo. Mine seems to be in tatters.<p>

Pregnant pause.

BOMB (V.O.)  
>Funnymoney, you've trimmed a few inches off your waistline.<p>

FUNNYMONEY (V.O.)  
>I'm going to trim a few inches off your neck if you don't get out of here!<p>

SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, MIDAIR

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a jet plane flying over the Atlantic Ocean. DISSOLVE to a slow pan of the plane's passenger compartment, showing several people in their seats doing their various things. DISSOLVE to a slow pan of the luggage compartment, showing the assortment of checked bags belonging to the passengers, until stopping on a large crate with a barred window and a large stamped label reading UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS. Bomb is inside the crate.

BOMB  
>(to himself)<br>W was serious about keeping this assignment within budget.

SCENE 7 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of AIRPORT, LAS VEGAS

CUT to INTERIOR, BAGGAGE CLAIM. Bomb's crate slides down the chute onto the luggage carousel. Bomb karate-kicks his way out of it, to the surprise of several people waiting for their own luggage. Bomb climbs out of the crate, smooths his tuxedo, and walks away debonair as always.

ONLOOKER  
>Remind me never to fly coach!<p>

SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, GROUND TRANSPORTATION, LAS VEGAS AIRPORT

Bomb steps outside at the drive-up area for shuttles and taxis. An ATTENDANT approaches.

ATTENDANT  
>May I help you, Sir?<p>

BOMB  
>Yes, I need a taxi to the Motel 3.<p>

ATTENDANT  
>(confused pause)<br>Motel 3?

BOMB  
>Yes, a cost-cutting measure on my employer's part, since it's only half the price of the -<p>

Bomb's next words are covered up by several loud bleeps, like those of a TV censor, and the caption TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT PREVENTION flashes onscreen.

ATTENDANT  
>I'll see what I can find, Sir. The attendant walks away.<br>A few moments later, a little old lady with a walker, JERRY ATRECK, hobbles slowly toward Bomb.

ATRECK  
>Excuse me, Son, but could you help me cross this street? I'm afraid my old legs just won t make it.<p>

BOMB  
>Of course, Madam.<p>

Bomb takes Atreck's outstretched hand.

ATRECK  
>Oh, you're too kind.<p>

Atreck suddenly wheels around, flips Bomb bodily over her head, and slams him to the ground.

BOMB  
>(groggy)<br>Glad to be of service, Madam.

ATRECK  
>Anytime, Bomb!<p>

She flips Bomb over her head three more times in rapid succession. She then lifts him up over her head, whirls him around several times, and then throws Bomb into the side of a parked bus.

ATRECK  
>(calls out)<br>Okay boys, tie him up and throw him in the car!

Three THUGS emerge from a nearby exit and tie up the semiconscious Bomb.

BOMB  
>(very groggy)<br>Do boy scouts ever go through this?

Bomb falls unconscious as a car rapidly pulls up and screeches to a halt, with a fourth THUG driving. The trunk pops open, and Atreck and the other thugs dump Bomb into it, get in the car, and burn rubber driving away.

SCENE 9 - EXTERIOR, DESERT, SOMEWHERE in NEVADA

Atreck's car approaches a desolate spot in the desert with nothing more than railroad tracks, several cacti, and a rusty old truck that looks like it was abandoned during the last ice age. The car pulls to a stop and its passengers get out. The trunk pops open again and they pull Bomb out, who by this time has regained his senses and his wit.

BOMB  
>When they say you can get taken for a ride in Vegas, they mean it.<p>

Or at least half his wit.

BOMB  
>I heard that.<p>

You were meant to.

THUG #1  
>He's still secure, Miss Atreck.<p>

BOMB  
>Atreck - Yes, I should have recognized you. Jerry Atreck, a former strong-arm enforcer for the AARP, now an assassin-for-hire. So who hired you to assassinate me?<p>

ATRECK  
>Figure it out yourself, Bomb! If you can before you die, that is!<p>

THUG #2  
>But why did we bring him all the way out here to kill him?<p>

ATRECK  
>Because, boys, much as I appreciate modern advances, you still can't beat the classics. Dump him on the train tracks!<p>

The thugs do so, then they and Atreck run back to their car. Once inside, Atreck gives Bomb a parting wave.

ATRECK  
>So long, Sonny! Hope you like pizza, because you're about to become one!<p>

Atreck and her thugs shut the car doors and drive away. Moments later, a speeding train approaches the spot where Bomb is sprawled and still tied up.

BOMB  
>Well, I was planning to have my suit pressed.<p>

TO BE CONTINUED

This is an RC Gumby Production parodying an Albert R. Broccoli Production. Please don't sue us.


	3. Chapter 2: The Spy Who Confused Me

LICENSE TO DRILL

Chapter 2: The Spy Who Confused Me

SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, DESERT, NEVADA

Bomb loosens the binds around his ankles just enough to click the heels of his shoes together three times.

BOMB  
>There's no place like home.<p>

Tiny rocket nozzles emerge from the heels of his shoes and launch Bomb off the tracks a split second before the train races through the spot he was just in. Off screen, there's a loud crash of breaking glass. CUT to the abandoned truck sitting nearby, where we see the legs of Bomb's body sticking out of the truck's rear window.  
>Moments later, Bomb himself steps out from behind the truck eating a deli sandwich. He stops and turns to see the other Bomb sticking partway out of the truck, and he shakes his head in irritation.<p>

BOMB  
>I lose more stuntmen that way.<p>

STUNTMAN  
>(muffled)<br>I'm not dead!

Bomb reacts to the cry from the truck.

BOMB  
>Are you sure? You don't look well at all.<p>

STUNTMAN  
>(muffled)<br>I'm getting better!

BOMB  
>Good show. Stiff upper lip, old chap.<p>

Bomb walks away.

STUNTMAN  
>(muffled)<br>Please don't make me do this again!

SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of PLUGGED NICKEL, LAS VEGAS

CUT to INTERIOR: The casino looks no different from any other generic casino in any other James Bomb movie . . . except for the band playing on the stage, whose members are all alien species, and who are playing a very alien jazz ballad.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)  
>Hold it! HOLD IT!<p>

The band abruptly stops playing as the DIRECTOR storms onto the set toward them.

DIRECTOR  
>I thought I told you, your movie is on Soundstage 7! This is Soundstage 9!<p>

The aliens grumble as they pack up their instruments and bugger off. The director grumbles as he walks out of camera shot.  
>SLOW PAN across the casino floor to a blackjack table. A GAMBLER accepts two cards from the dealer, looks at them, and looks at the dealer:<p>

GAMBLER  
>Hit me.<p>

The dealer punches the gambler in the face. The now-unconscious gambler keels over.  
>SLOW PAN further across the casino to A. PAULING STENCH, who sits at a craps table nursing a drink and occasionally picking tidbits from a small snack bowl. His table and other tables at least two deep around him are empty due to his offensive body odor, and those other gamblers and dealers who are within sight of him have reactions running from faces screwed with disgust to just about to puke their guts out.<br>JERRY ATRECK appears, walking hesitantly toward Stench s table to sit down next to him.

ATRECK  
>I can't stay long otherwise your breath'll melt my new perm.<p>

STENCH  
>Okay, we'll get right to the point. Did you get Bomb?<p>

ATRECK  
>(grins)<br>By now Bomb is giving new meaning to the term "flat-broke!"

STENCH  
>Excellent! Your pay will be sent to you as arranged.<p>

ATRECK  
>By the way, how did you know Bomb was going to be the one sent after you?<p>

STENCH  
>He's always the one sent after the bad guy. Don't you watch the movies?<p>

ATRECK  
>Nah, I prefer wrestling.<p>

STENCH  
>I wouldn't have thought of you as the type to watch wrestling.<p>

ATRECK  
>What do you mean "watch?"<p>

Bomb walks in the casino's main lobby. From across the floor, Stench sees him. Angrily, he turns back to Atreck.

STENCH  
>I thought you iced Bomb!<p>

ATRECK  
>I did!<p>

STENCH  
>Then he must've thawed out awful fast because there he is!<p>

Atreck turns around toward the direction Stench is pointing in.

ATRECK  
>I don't believe it! Bomb's still ticking!<p>

STENCH  
>And if he sees us, our plans'll blow up in our faces!<p>

ATRECK  
>Okay, don t panic. My boys are waiting by the slot machines. They can keep him busy while we skedaddle.<p>

STENCH  
>Not yet. Right now, let's just keep as low a profile as possible and maybe he won't see us. I want to find out how much he knows.<p>

Atreck gives Stench's snack bowl a disgusted look.

ATRECK  
>If you don't stop eating those garlic cloves, he's gonna know you're here for a start!<p>

CUT to Bomb, who steps up to the bar and takes a stool in front of the BARTENDER on duty.

BOMB  
>Vodka martini on the rocks. Shaken, not stirred.<p>

BARTENDER  
>Coming right up.<p>

The bartender pours gravel into a tall glass, then pours the liquor over the gravel. He covers and shakes the glass briefly, then places it in front of Bomb.

BOMB  
>I see it's also easy to get stoned in Vegas.<br>(to the bartender)  
>I'm looking for a gentleman named Stench.<p>

BARTENDER  
>There's no gentleman here by that name, but a jerk by that name is sitting over by the craps tables. And it looks like his mother's with him this evening.<p>

BOMB  
>Are you certain?<p>

BARTENDER  
>Pal, when he comes in here, the plastic flowers wilt.<p>

BOMB  
>That sounds like the chap I'm looking for. What do you know about him?<p>

BARTENDER  
>I know he has a place on Limburger Street next to the sewage treatment plant.<p>

BOMB  
>Do the police know that?<p>

BARTENDER  
>Even if they do, they won't go within a hundred feet of that building. Not without gas masks.<p>

BOMB  
>Perhaps it's time I sniffed out some information of my own.<p>

Bomb gets up and leaves the bar.

BARTENDER  
>Remember to hold your breath.<p>

CUT to Atreck and Stench's table.

ATRECK  
>Uh-oh, he's coming over.<p>

STENCH  
>Go get your boys. I'll stall him.<p>

Atreck quickly leaves the table. A moment later, Bomb arrives.

BOMB  
>(to Stench)<br>Good evening. Where is your companion rushing off to?

STENCH  
>Uh . . . she has to powder her nose.<p>

Bomb takes one sniff and immediately pulls a face.

BOMB  
>As well as disinfect it, I wager.<p>

STENCH  
>Hey, if I want to smell like this, that's none of your business!<p>

BOMB  
>It is if I'm downwind of you. May I sit down?<p>

STENCH  
>No!<p>

BOMB  
>Thank you.<p>

Bomb sits down.

BOMB (cont.)  
>We know you were the one who stole those tiles, and we want to know who you stole them for. I'll make you a deal: You tell me who you're working for, and my people will take your cooperation under consideration.<p>

STENCH  
>If you're so sure I stole some tiles, what makes you think I'd give them to someone else? I like a decorative bathroom too.<p>

BOMB  
>Your idea of decorative is mounting fish over your mantle without the sanitizing benefit of taxidermy.<p>

A WAITRESS approaches the table with a small tray and a piece of paper, which she hands to Stench.

WAITRESS  
>Here's the bill for your drinks, Mr. Stink.<p>

STENCH  
>That's Stench!<p>

WAITRESS  
>Whatever! Take a bath!<p>

STENCH  
>(to Bomb)<br>Forgive me, Mr. Bomb, but I must leave now.

BOMB  
>Nonsense, I'll accompany you outside.<p>

ATRECK (O.S.)  
>I don't think you'll be doing that, Sonny.<p>

Atreck has just returned, with two of her THUGS.

BOMB  
>A pleasure to see you again, Miss Atreck.<p>

ATRECK  
>You won't think so when my boys get through with you. Boys, you know what to do!<p>

Atreck and Stench retreat toward the back exit, while the thugs herd Bomb toward a back wall. Bomb quickly pulls a pair of dice from his tuxedo pocket and holds them out in front of him.

BOMB  
>Stay back! These dice are loaded!<p>

SCENE 3 - CAPTION CARD

"We apologize for the horribly lame pun. Those responsible for adding it to the script have been thoroughly beaten to a pulp."

SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, PLUGGED NICKEL, LAS VEGAS

BOMB  
>Where was I? Oh yes, these dice are lo-!<p>

THUG #1  
>We heard you the first time, and we're still nauseous!<p>

THUG #2  
>And we ain't afraid of a couple of dice! So get ready for a pounding you'll never forget.<p>

To the thugs surprise, tiny tranquilizer darts shoot out of the dice and hit both of them. The thugs fall unconscious.

BOMB  
>They've crapped out.<p>

He rushes back to the bartender.

BOMB  
>Have the police pick up those two for questioning. I m going after - bartender?<p>

He notices the bartender is slumped over the bar unconscious. The waitress from a minute ago approaches the bar and sees the bartender's condition too.

WAITRESS  
>He's been thoroughly beaten to a pulp!<p>

BOMB  
>I wonder why?<p>

Bomb quickly runs toward the casino's exit. The waitress follows him.

SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, PARKING LOT, PLUGGED NICKEL

Just outside the casino, Bomb and the waitress spot Stench and Atreck getting into a car. Its engine guns and it takes off like a shot down the street, tires squealing. Bomb notices the waitress just behind him.

BOMB  
>I wouldn't follow me if I were you. This could become extremely dangerous and very action-packed.<p>

WAITRESS  
>I have to come along! Those jerks never tipped me!<p>

BOMB  
>Who am I to argue with a lady in distress?<p>

The waitress looks at her dress.

WAITRESS  
>You like it? It came free with the job. Please can I go with you?<p>

BOMB  
>Why not? You only live twice.<p>

Bomb looks out onto the street and vigorously waves his arm.

BOMB  
>Taxi!<p>

A taxi pulls up to the curb next to them.

BOMB  
>Follow that car!<p>

The taxi immediately takes off after the bad guys car. Bomb and the waitress, left behind on the curb, turn to each other.

BOMB  
>Now that that old joke's taken care of, do you have a car?<p>

SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, STREETS OF LAS VEGAS

The bad guys' car, with Atreck at the wheel and Stench in the passenger seat hanging on for dear life, races down the main thoroughfare of the city at least 30 MPH over the speed limit, bright lights of the casinos and hotels flashing by. With Bomb at the wheel and the waitress in the front passenger seat, their car isn't far behind, matching the bad guys excessive speed and eliciting sudden swerves, blaring horns, angry shouts, and obscene gestures from all the other drivers.

BOMB  
>Americans and their road rage.<p>

He turns to the waitress.

BOMB  
>By the way, if we're going to be chasing them together, I'd like to know your name. We can't keep referring to you as "waitress" throughout the whole story.<p>

WAITRESS  
>If you say so. My name's Lotta Busst.<p>

BOMB  
>If there's a better name for a woman in a James Bomb movie, I don't know it.<p>

SCENE 7 - PARKING GARAGE

The chase takes both cars into the parking garage. They circle the first level at speeds definitely unsafe for such a confined area, then go up to the second level and circle that one, then up to the third level to circle that one, then the fourth, then the fifth -

ATRECK  
>I've had enough Ring-Around-the-Rosey! Hang on, Sonny!<p>

STENCH  
>What the hell are you doing?<p>

To Stench's screaming horror, Atreck accelerates straight toward an outer the wall at the edge of the level, and smashes right through it, driving off into the open air. The car lands on the flat roof of the wide building next door and keeps going at full speed.  
>In the other car:<p>

BOMB  
>Hold tight.<p>

Bomb guns his car's engine and roars toward the broken wall. Busst's eyes bug out four times their normal size as the car drives past the edge, flies through the air with the greatest of ease, and lands on the other building too. He chases Atreck and Stench's car in one and a half laps around the roof of the building, until Atreck has to swerve to avoid three pigeons and accidentally drives over a skylight. The glass promptly shatters and drops the car into the building's third floor. The building turns out to be a shopping mall. They continue driving at full speed down the mall, with shoppers racing to get out of the way. Seconds later, Bomb's car falls through the skylight as well and resumes the chase.

SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, SHOPPING MALL

ATRECK  
>This is what I call power shopping!<p>

Atreck swerves into a side passage, which turns out to be a lot shorter than she figured. The car almost immediately crashes through double-doors leading into a restaurant.

SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, RESTAURANT

Patrons and wait staff run, and tables and chairs fly everywhere. Bomb follows, the chase continuing through the dining area.

BOMB  
>I love these drive-thru restaurants.<p>

Both cars crash through the outer wall of the restaurant and swerve onto another street.

SCENE 10 - EXTERIOR, STREETS OF LAS VEGAS

STENCH  
>This is an unbroken sequence! Do they have to designate a separate scene for every location in this chase?<p>

ATRECK  
>No backseat screenwriting!<p>

STENCH  
>How about passenger seat driving? CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO A BUS!<p>

As their car speeds toward an intersection, Atreck sees the oncoming bus with only a split second to spare. She swerves desperately, sending her car into an uncontrolled spin. Bomb's car also has to swerve to avoid the bus and goes into its own spin. Both cars spin out of shot, and a second later we hear O.S. the multiple CRASH!'s and SMASH!'s of several colliding cars.  
>CUT to scene showing a ten-car pile-up that is the aftermath of the O.S. collisions. Atreck and Stench are in their car, dazed and bruised but otherwise still alive. Bomb and Busst are on the road several feet from the pile-up, apparently having been thrown from their car. They pick themselves up and dust themselves off, somehow having suffered no injuries.<p>

BOMB  
>You see, Lotta? There was nothing at all to worry about.<p>

BUSST  
>Because secret agents are real experts at death-defying escapes?<p>

BOMB  
>And we all have a hell of an insurance policy.<p>

Bomb's stuntman - the same guy from the beginning of this episode - crawls painfully out of the broken driver's side window of Bomb's car. His face is a mass of bruises, and the copy of Bomb's costume that he's wearing is badly rumpled.

STUNTMAN  
>(shaky voice)<br>Where's my insurance policy?

SCENE 11 - INTERIOR, W'S OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS

W is sitting at his desk when the intercom buzzes. W answers:

W  
>Yes, Miss Funnymoney?<p>

FUNNYMONEY (V.O.)  
>I have Mr. Bomb on line 1, Sir.<p>

W  
>Put it through.<p>

There is a click over the line, indicated a telephone connection has been made to the intercom.

W (cont.)  
>Bomb, where are you?<p>

BOMB (V.O.)  
>Las Vegas police headquarters, Sir. You'll be pleased to hear Stench and three of his accomplices are here in custody. Attempted assault and reckless driving.<p>

W  
>Not exactly what I had in mind, but good work, Bomb. I'll arrange for their extradition to England at once. Is that all?<p>

BOMB  
>Actually, no Sir, I do have a small request.<p>

W  
>What kind of request?<p>

SCENE 12 - INTERIOR, POLICE HEADQUARTERS, LAS VEGAS

Bomb is at a police lieutenant's desk, talking on the telephone, and being guarded by three policemen.

BOMB  
>Could you send someone to bail me out?<p>

TO BE CONTINUED

This is an RC Gumby Production, but don't tell anyone you heard that from me.


	4. Chapter 3: A View to a Smell

LICENSE TO DRILL

Chapter 3: A View to a Smell

SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, W'S OFFICE, AM-I-SICK HEADQUARTERS, LONDON

W and BOMB face each other in the office. W isn't happy.

W  
>It's secret agents like you that make me wish I'd been a bus driver instead!<p>

BOMB  
>I doubt that, Sir. A mundane occupation like that would soon drive you to distraction.<p>

Pregnant pause.

W  
>Sometimes Bomb, I think if I hear one more pun from you, I'm going to put you in front of a firing squad.<p>

BOMB  
>Really, it's not as if I'm the only one making puns. Look at the villains names, A. Pauling Stench and Jerry Atreck.<p>

W  
>And on that note, Stench, Atreck, and their accomplices were bailed out by an unknown party just after you left the police station. I've sent another agent to track them.<p>

BOMB  
>The bartender mentioned Stench had a place on Limburger Street. It's possible they went there.<p>

W  
>Good guess, Bomb, but when our man arrived, they had already left again. But they left a few clues suggesting they're headed for Cairo.<p>

BOMB  
>What sort of clues?<p>

W  
>A stack of travel brochures for Cairo, receipts for airline tickets to Cairo, and the address of a rented villa in Cairo scribbled on a refrigerator notepad.<p>

BOMB  
>Hmmm...<p>

W  
>Precisely why our man's there now.<p>

BOMB  
>Shall I go as well?<p>

W  
>First, you'll report to U-Branch to pick up your new equipment. Then, once you arrive in Cairo, you'll make contact with our man, Agent 003.1416. I trust you can find him quickly?<p>

BOMB  
>Easy as pi, Sir.<p>

Bomb leaves W's office. W sits down again and activates the intercom.

W  
>Miss Funnymoney? Bring me a tall glass of antacid. Shaken, not stirred.<p>

SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, U'S LABORATORY, AM-I-SICK

U and an assistant, P, are in a laboratory that's decked out like a mad scientist's laboratory.

P  
>U? I thought you were playing Q.<p>

U  
>No, I'm playing U, a parody of Q.<p>

P  
>I'm not a parody of Q, I'm just your assistant.<p>

U  
>I'm not playing you, I'm playing U!<p>

P  
>You're not me! I'm me!<p>

U  
>No, you're P!<p>

P  
>I know that, but who are you?<p>

U  
>U!<p>

P  
>I'm me! You're you!<p>

U  
>That's what I said!<p>

P  
>You said you were me!<p>

U  
>No I didn't!<p>

P  
>Yes you did!<p>

U  
>I said I was U! The letter U!<p>

P  
>(finally gets it)<br>The letter U? Not the pronoun you?

U  
>Yes!<p>

P  
>Well, why didn't you say so!<p>

U  
>I just did!<p>

P  
>FINE!<p>

Pause for P to get over being totally exasperated.

P  
>So you're U, I'm P, what's the name of M's parody?<p>

U  
>W.<p>

P  
>Double-me?<p>

U  
>No, the letter W!<p>

P  
>And you're letter U. So he's a double parody of Q?<p>

U  
>No, he's a parody of M!<p>

P  
>So is M a parody of Q? I thought you were!<p>

U  
>I am!<p>

P  
>So you're both parodies of Q?<p>

U  
>No! I'm the parody of Q, and W is the parody of M!<p>

P  
>That's what I mean! Why is W playing a double parody of Q while you're only a single parody of Q?<p>

U  
>(totally exasperated pause)<br>Because all the other letters were taken!

Fortunately, Bomb enters the laboratory.

BOMB  
>Morning P, U.<p>

U  
>Ah, Bomb! I have some new equipment to show you.<p>

P  
>(to U)<br>What's Bomb's letter?

U  
>Shut up!<br>(to Bomb)  
>Come over here, 006 12, I think you'll like some of the things we've cooked up.

BOMB  
>Some really hot items, this time?<p>

U  
>Really, Bomb!<p>

U leads Bomb to a lab table full of equipment, and picks up a pen.

U  
>Twist the cap, and it 's a powerful micro-laser that cuts through anything.<p>

BOMB  
>The pen really is mightier than the sword.<p>

U picks up a set of cufflinks.

U  
>The cufflinks are breakable on impact, and contain anesthesia gas.<p>

BOMB  
>I always like having a surprise up my sleeve.<p>

U picks up a beanie.

U  
>The hidden motor is activated by a touch pad on the front of the brim, and it carries up to four hundred pounds safely.<p>

BOMB  
>You always did have a head for fashion.<p>

U  
>And then of course, there's your new vehicle.<p>

BOMB  
>Ah, Aston Martin? Bentley? Porsche?<p>

U  
>Schwinn.<p>

U rolls a bicycle out from behind the lab table.

BOMB  
>. . . . Schwinn?<p>

U  
>(annoyed)<br>Yes, Bomb, that little demolition derby you had in Vegas really cut into the movie's budget, so we had to scale back in several other areas.

BOMB  
>. . . . Schwinn?<p>

U  
>Now don't be like that! This may not be as glamorous as you're used to, but it's still a product of U-Branch!<p>

U shows off the bicycle's special features:

U  
>Smokescreen, front and rear automatic guns, turbo boost, ejector seat -<p>

BOMB  
>Ejector seat? What's that for, to launch me out of harm's way in case of an impending collision?<p>

U  
>No, in the event that your bicycle is stolen, the seat is rigged to pop off just as the would-be thief is about to sit down on it.<p>

BOMB  
>(winces)<br>Ooo!

U  
>What, no bum-related pun?<p>

BOMB  
>Give me a moment to get that painful image out of my head.<p>

U gives him a moment.

BOMB  
>Right... Talk about giving crooks the shaft.<br>(beat)  
>And talk about giving me the shaft for having to drive this instead of a decent car.<p>

U  
>Up your shaft indeed, Bomb!<p>

SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CAIRO

PAN BACKWARDS to reveal the shot is P.O.V. from the balcony of Bomb's hotel suite. After Bomb finishes gazing out at the cityscape, he turns to his bedside dresser and picks up a tiny digital recorder. He plays the recording on it:

AGENT 003.1416 (V.O.)  
>Good morning, 006 12. I am forwarding this recording to your hotel suite to bring you up to date on my investigations. Stench and Atreck have just moved into their villa. There doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary about it. I don't know yet if this is related, but I located records of a large amount of construction in recent weeks with no documented location. Meet me at Saul Manella's Cafe this afternoon at one, and I'll provide more details.  
>(beat)<br>This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Only one second later: KA-BOOM! The tiny recorder explodes in Bomb's face.  
>When the smoke clears, half of Bomb's bed and dresser are charred, Bomb's clothes are in burned tatters, and Bomb himself is black and blue and burnt to a crisp. The remains of the recorder, now on the floor beside him, suddenly crackle back to life.<p>

AGENT 003.1416 (V.O.)  
>(with heavy static)<br>Sorry, I was never good at math.

Bomb pulls out his pistol and shoots the recorder's remains.

SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, STREETS OF CAIRO

Bomb, in a fresh suit, rides his bicycle through the city streets, hoping no one recognizes him. Not to maintain secrecy, to avoid embarrassment. Did I really need to explain that line?  
>Bomb pulls up to Saul Manella's Cafe. He sets his bicycle into a rack, pulls out an electronic keychain, and presses the LOCK button. The bicycle beeps in response, and Bomb enters the cafe, whereupon he immediately approaches the HEAD SERVER.<p>

BOMB  
>My name is Bomb. James Bomb. I'm supposed to meet someone here at one o'clock.<p>

HEAD SERVER  
>Ah yes, he rented a private room in the back. Walk this way.<p>

The head server takes the lead, walking with a prominent and very peculiar limp. Bomb starts to imitate the limp when the server spins around and gives Bomb a piercing look.

HEAD SERVER  
>Don't even think about it!<p>

Bomb walks normally instead as he follows the server.

BOMB  
>Some people just don't appreciate the classics.<p>

The head server leads Bomb to an old door in a somewhat darkened corner at the back of the cafe. Bomb enters the room alone -

SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, BACK ROOM, CAFE

- and sees AGENT 003.1416 sitting at a small round table in the room, in front of an open window. He is a little bit slumped toward the table. Bomb sits down opposite him.

BOMB  
>I got your message, 003.1416. What can you tell me about this mysterious construction?<p>

003.1416 doesn't answer. He doesn't even move.

BOMB  
>003?<p>

Still no answer or movement. Bomb reaches over and jostles him slightly. This causes 003.1416 to slump over completely onto the table, and Bomb can now see the arrow shaft sticking out of his fellow agent's back.

BOMB  
>Looks like you got the shaft too.<p>

Bomb pulls the arrow out of 003.1416's back. A trigger pin is attached to the arrowhead, and immediately a rapid ticking sound emerges from the body, building to a crescendo Bomb recognizes all too well. He throws himself under the table a split second before a bomb explodes, wrecking the whole room.  
>JERRY ATRECK enters the room, holding a crossbow and smiling at Bomb's body sticking out from under the ruined table.<p>

ATRECK  
>A bomb for a Bomb! Heh-heh-heh-heh-OOOP!<p>

Bomb suddenly trips Atreck, knocking her to the floor, while he wriggles out from under the table and jumps to his feet.

BOMB  
>Your bomb trap bombed.<p>

Atreck suddenly trips him to the floor and jumps to her feet.

ATRECK  
>You bum, Bomb!<p>

She shoots her crossbow at Bomb. Bomb grabs a broken chair seat to use as a shield. The arrow embeds in it and he jumps to his feet again, sprints to the open window and leaps out exclaiming:

BOMB  
>Bomb's away!<p>

Atreck jumps through the window after him.  
>After a few moments, Bomb's STUNTMAN slowly pulls himself out from under the wrecked table, black and blue, burnt to a crisp, and wearing a tattered copy of Bomb's outfit.<p>

STUNTMAN  
>(weakly)<br>Well, at least they didn't make me do the exploding recorder in the hotel.

He then looks down and sees another digital recorder on the floor, possibly dropped by 003.1416 before he was killed. It fizzles and starts playing with heavy static:

AGENT 003.1416  
>(V.O.)<br>This is a recording for James Bomb 006 1/2...

The stuntman starts crying.

SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, CAFE

Bomb remotely unlocks his bicycle, jumps on, and pedals away. Atreck emerges from behind the cafe on a motorcycle, followed by three THUGS on mopeds, and they take off after Bomb.  
>What follows is a high-speed chase through the streets of Cairo, or at least as high-speed as you can be when you're chasing a ten-speed bike. Atreck has attached a long clip of arrows to her crossbow so she can fire it automatically and repeatedly. Her thugs use standard handguns to shoot toward Bomb. Bomb in turn fires back with the bike's rear-mounted automatic gun. Nevertheless his pursuers rapidly close the gap. Bomb activates the smoke screen, and a thick black cloud spews out from just under the bicycle seat.<p>

THUG #1  
>Jeez! What's Bomb been eating lately!<p>

Before he can speculate on that, and long before I can get that disturbing image out of my head, the smoke envelopes Atreck and her thugs. One of them spins out of control and swerves out of the smoke cloud going in the wrong direction. He drives through the door of a china shop. The multiple crashes and smashes from inside are self-explanatory.  
>Atreck and the other two thugs emerge from the smoke cloud still in pursuit of Bomb. Bomb pulls off one of his cufflinks and throws it behind him. It hits one of the other thugs and breaks, releasing a cloud of anesthesia gas that instantly puts the thug to sleep, still driving his moped. Bomb, Atreck, and the third thug make a sharp left turn at a busy intersection, but the second thug keeps going straight. Still sleeping, the thug's moped veers onto the sidewalk; many panicked pedestrians leap out of his way. Ultimately, his moped drives down the entrance to the subway system. The camera HOLDS on the subway entrance, while the sounds of multiple screams and squeals and the roar of a subway train followed by a loud CRASH! are heard. Again, self-explanatory.<br>Atreck and the third thug finish catching up to Bomb on either side of his bicycle.

ATRECK  
>Give it up, Bomb! You can't outrun me on a ten-speed bike!<p>

BOMB  
>Actually, it s eleven-speed!<p>

Bomb activates the turbo boost control, and the two protrusions that look like exhaust pipes on either side of the rear tire start shooting out flames, and his bike suddenly catapults forward at another hundred miles per hour of speed, leaving Atreck and her remaining thug in the dust.

ATRECK  
>That's what you think!<p>

Atreck activates a similar control on her motorcycle, and it too shoots flames from its exhaust and catapults forward at a much greater speed. Unfortunately, her thug doesn't have that feature on his moped. Realizing he's now out of the race, he sighs and pulls over to the nearest grocery store, pulls out a shopping list and steps inside.

THUG #3 (O.S.)  
>Two pounds of chicken quarters, one pound of tuna, a quart of milk - you have 2%?<p>

SCENE 7 - EXTERIOR, ELSEWHERE IN CAIRO

The chase reaches a long bridge over the Nile, is at a much higher speed now, and is just down to Bomb and Atreck. Just as Atreck gets close enough to Bomb that her crossbow shot can't miss, he raises his butt off the seat and activates the anti-theft control. The seat flies off and smacks Atreck in her face, causing her to lose control, swerve to one side, plow through several lanes of oncoming traffic, and drive right off the bridge.  
>Bomb quickly puts on his beanie and activates it, and he flies up into the air rather than have to sit back down on the seatless bicycle, while Atreck and her motorcycle fall a hundred feet into a garbage scow passing underneath the bridge.<p>

BOMB  
>She looks down in the dumps.<p>

SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, EXPENSIVE-LOOKING VILLA, OUTSKIRTS OF CAIRO

The villa is three stories tall and overlooks the famous pyramids. To avoid any possible traps or security monitors, Bomb puts on his beanie and flies up to the roof. There, he finds a skylight. Using the pen laser, he cuts off the securing latches, opens the skylight, and beanie-copters himself down into the villa.

SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, VILLA

The first room has nothing of interest. Bomb sneaks into the next room, a dark bedroom. After searching for a few seconds, he suddenly hears footsteps. Pulling out his regular pistol, he waits by the open doorway for whoever it is to enter. Whoever it is does enter and turns on the lights just as Bomb reacts. His planned reaction suddenly changes as he and the newcomer recognize each other:

BUSST  
>You again! What, are you and Stench roommates?<p>

BOMB  
>Lotta Busst! What are you doing here?<p>

BUSST  
>Looking for Stench.<p>

BOMB  
>But how did you know where he's staying?<p>

BUSST  
>Looked it up online.<p>

BOMB  
>And how did you get in here?<p>

BUSST  
>The back door was open.<p>

BOMB  
>Well, you can close it on your way out again! You shouldn't be here, no matter how embarrassingly easy it was to find Stench!<p>

BUSST  
>Hey, the tightwad still hasn't tipped me! I earned that fifteen percent, more than fifteen for having to put up with his stink!<p>

BOMB  
>You really came all the way to Cairo just because Egypt you?<p>

BUSST  
>(pulls a disgusted face)<br>Ewww! That's gotta be your worst one ever!

BOMB  
>Of course not, I can do a lot worse than that.<p>

BUSST  
>That does it, I AM leaving!<p>

BOMB  
>I'll escort you.<p>

Before Bomb can lead Busst away from the building, he sees something on a desk.

BOMB  
>Hello, what's this?<p>

BUSST  
>Looks like a jigsaw puzzle.<p>

BOMB  
>Yes, a jigsaw puzzle made of broken ceramic tiles. The ones Stench stole! The question is: Who did he steal them for?<p>

STENCH (O.S.)  
>That's for me to know and you to never find out.<p>

Bomb whirls around and instantly covers Stench with his pistol.

BOMB  
>We already did that line. Sorry to drop in uninvited, but I don't believe these tiles belong to you.<p>

STENCH  
>Finders keepers, losers weepers. Besides, you want to find out who Jerry and I are working for. Okay, I'll show you, but our boss wants you to be well rested before meeting him.<p>

BOMB  
>I'll have a nap later. Now, raise your hands!<p>

STENCH  
>I thought you'd never ask!<p>

Stench raises his arms, exposing his armpits. Within moments, the wallpaper starts peeling, a potted plant on the dresser wilts, and Bomb and Busst fall to the floor unconscious.

TO BE CONTINUED

This is an RC Gumby Production. Any resemblance of the characters in this story to real persons, living or dead, is really unfair to those real persons.


	5. Chapter 4: Live and Let Fry

LICENSE TO DRILL

Chapter 4: Live and Let Fry

SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM, VILLA, CAIRO

JAMES BOMB slowly wakes up in the bed, naked, covered only to his waist by a bed sheet.

BOMB  
>(murmurs)<br>Unnh . . . . My kingdom for a roll-on deodorant . . .

A woman's hand starts caressing his bare chest. As soon as he notices, his mood brightens a lot, a contented smile crossing his face.

BOMB  
>Mmmm. I love this part.<br>(beat)  
>Though I'm afraid I don't remember what happened, my dear.<br>(beat)  
>Of course, that usually means it was an extraordinary experience.<p>

The owner of the hand sits up: It's JERRY ATRECK, grinning and wearing only a negligee.

ATRECK  
>I know it was for me!<p>

Bomb's mood slowly changes from contented to horrified. Almost too afraid to look, he slowly turns around until he sees Atreck is in bed with him.

BOMB  
>GAAAAAAA!<p>

Bomb vaults out of bed, yanking the sheets with him to strategically cover his body as he whirls around to confront Atreck.

BOMB  
>For God's sake, please tell me you weren't the overexcited walrus in my dream!<p>

ATRECK  
>I may not have the looks anymore, Sonny, but I make up for it in experience!<p>

SCENE 2 - JUST OFF THE SET

U  
>Not to mention liver spots.<p>

With a loud KONK!, an alarm clock beans U on the head and he falls unconscious.

SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM

Atreck looks off-camera, insulted.

ATRECK  
>(mutters)<br>Liver spots, my  
>(pause; clears throat, turns back to Bomb)<br>Listen Bomb, you better have enjoyed last night, cause it's the last night you'll enjoy before the boss starts working on you.

BOMB  
>Ah, am I at last to meet the mastermind of this drama?<p>

ATRECK  
>You got it.<p>

Atreck picks up her crossbow from the nightstand and aims it at Bomb.

BOMB  
>Isn't that a little old-fashioned?<p>

ATRECK  
>I'm an old-fashioned gal.<p>

BOMB  
>I don t know about "fashioned"-<p>

ATRECK  
>Watch it, Sonny! I can bench-press you two hundred times with one arm tied behind my back, and don't you forget it!<p>

BOMB  
>(rubs joints)<br>I don't doubt it. I've never felt this stiff in the morning in my life.

ATRECK  
>Not even after all those vodka martinis?<p>

Bomb starts giving her a dirty look.

ATRECK  
>Hey, why should we have to suffer all the puns?<p>

Atreck waves her crossbow and forces Bomb out of the bedroom.

SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, VILLA, JUST OUTSIDE CAIRO

Atreck and Bomb, who are now fully clothed - My god, there's a hole in the plot! - walk toward a jeep with a DRIVER waiting. Atreck still has her crossbow aimed at Bomb. A. PAULING STENCH and LOTTA BUSST, at whom he's aiming a pistol, are also waiting by the jeep.

STENCH  
>Morning, Bomb. Enjoy your sleepover?<p>

BOMB  
>It was one I'll never forget. Try as I might.<p>

STENCH  
>You might like to know I offered an unforgettable sleepover to your lady friend.<p>

BUSST  
>(pulls a disgusted face)<br>Yeah, but after the first minute, I spent the rest of the night bent over the toilet.

BOMB  
>I don't blame you. I get flushed myself when I'm near him.<p>

STENCH  
>Oh, I am SO gonna enjoy seeing you get bent, folded, spindled, and mutilated when we get to base!<p>

Everyone gets into the jeep, which then drives toward the largest of the pyramids.

BUSST  
>Are we going sightseeing?<p>

STENCH  
>Oh, it'll be a sight all right. Just wait!<p>

SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, SPHINX

The jeep drives up to the left paw of the Sphinx. The driver presses a secret button on the dashboard, and the giant paw lifts up to reveal a metal platform built underneath it. The jeep pulls up to a stop on the center of the platform, and within moments the platform begins descending into the earth while at the same time the paw lowers back to the ground.

BUSST  
>It's a secret elevator!<p>

She's pretty swift, isn't she?

SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, ELEVATOR SHAFT

STENCH  
>How do you like the location of our secret base, Bomb? The perfect place to instigate our plans where no one would ever think to look.<p>

BOMB  
>So you're involved in pyramid schemes now.<p>

STENCH  
>I KNEW he was gonna say that!<br>(to Atreck)  
>Didn't you know he was gonna say that!<p>

ATRECK  
>WHAT?<p>

Atreck pulls cotton balls out of her ears.

ATRECK  
>What'd you say?<p>

STENCH  
>Why do you have cotton in your ears?<p>

ATRECK  
>In case Bomb made a wisecrack about pyramid schemes.<p>

SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, VILLAINS' SECRET BASE

The elevator stops at the main level of the secret base. Stench and Atreck force their captives out of the jeep and walk them down a long corridor and into the base's command center. A motorized wheelchair is in the middle of the room, its back facing the newcomers, its occupant overseeing the entire operations of the command center.

STENCH  
>(to the wheelchair occupant)<br>Here he is, Sir. James Bomb, secret agent double-0-six-and-a-half.

Busst loudly clears her throat impatiently.

STENCH  
>(reluctantly)<br>And guest.

The motorized wheelchair swivels around, revealing its occupant to be ANGST BLOWHARD, a bald man in a black Nehru jacket and matching pants, stroking a white cat.

BUSST  
>Who's Daddy Warbucks' evil twin?<p>

BLOWHARD  
>(smarmy, evil-sounding foreign accent)<br>Show respect, young lady. I am Angst Blowhard, commander-in-chief of SPACKLE, the most powerful criminal organization in the world.

BUSST  
>"SPACKLE"?<p>

BOMB  
>SPecial Association for Cliched Konspiracies and Long-winded Exposition.<br>(to Blowhard)  
>Well-well, it's been a long time since I matched wits with you. Not that you had much to fight with.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>Caution, 006 12. Time has not mellowed my dislike for your sarcasm, or my hunger for revenge on you.

BOMB  
>Nor your tendency toward campy villain dialogue.<p>

Pregnant pause.

BLOWHARD  
>Bomb, does it ever occur to you that being a wiseass just makes the villains angrier, thus increasing your chances of suffering a horrible demise?<p>

BOMB  
>I have to be me.<p>

ATRECK  
>Don't count on being you for much longer.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>I see you're already acquainted with Miss Atreck, Mr. Bomb. A remarkable woman, not only an accomplished assassin and her country's premier archer, but also the head of its tourist bureau.<p>

BOMB  
>Archery, assassination, and tourism? An uncommon combination.<p>

BUSST  
>Try saying that five times fast.<p>

BOMB  
>No.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>Mr. Bomb, let me try to guess another question on your mind: Where are the tiles now? See for yourself.<p>

Blowhard gestures toward a large table near the wall. Bomb goes to the table and sees the completed tile puzzle on it.

BOMB  
>So you've finished the puzzle. What now?<p>

BLOWHARD  
>Now I create the circuit from the design, of course. And a very useful circuit it s going to be.<br>(he strokes his cat)  
>Isn't it, my pet?<p>

The cat meows. Subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen:

SUBTITLES  
>If this guy were any greasier, I'd slide right off his lap.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>The circuit design was originally meant to control communications satellites, but with a few minor adjustments it can control military satellites just as well -<p>

BOMB  
>(interrupts)<br>So that's your plan. You intend to take control of the world's military satellite networks.

BLOWHARD  
>(furious)<br>Damn it, Bomb! I was looking forward to boasting about my plans like a crazed villain, and now you've ruined it! Just for that, I'm putting you on my death device right now! Take him away!

Atreck grabs Bomb by the arms and drags him away.

BLOWHARD  
>Stench, have construction of the microchip begin at once, while I get a fresh pair of nose plugs.<p>

SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, SOMETHING LIKE A CONCERT HALL, SECRET BASE

It looks like a concert hall in that there are many theater-style rows of seats around a central stage. On the stage is a long metal table along which Bomb and Busst are tightly strapped, head-to-head. Atreck finishes tightening the straps.

ATRECK  
>Comfy?<p>

BOMB  
>As much as can be expected, though I didn't know Blowhard's executions were spectator sports.<p>

ATRECK  
>Sometimes he invites friends over when he's rubbing out someone important. It's too bad your turn came on such short notice, or we'd probably have standing room only.<p>

BOMB  
>If you want to wait and get the word out, I don't mind.<p>

BUSST  
>I sure don't!<p>

ATRECK  
>Oh no, I can't wait for this one!<p>

Atreck steps toward a podium on the stage and manipulates the set of controls built onto it. PAN UP to see a giant laser gun suspended overhead. The laser activates and a bright beam hits the edge of the table at Bomb's end, powerful enough to slice right through the metal. The beam slowly moves along the table toward Bomb s spread legs.

ATRECK  
>That laser beam is strong enough to cut through inch-thick steel, so it should easily slice through you and your lady friend. And you'll notice the first part of your anatomy it's going to cut through is your most treasured part.<p>

BOMB  
>You really know how to hurt a man. You expect me to beg?<p>

ATRECK  
>No Bomb, I expect you to . . . well, you know.<br>(beat)  
>Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to Blowhard and tell him you're about to do a split no ballerina could ever manage.<p>

Atreck turns and starts to leave the stage, but then stops just short of the edge and turns around with a look of sudden insight.

ATRECK  
>On the other hand... Every time the bad guys leave the room while the hero is facing certain death, he always finds a way to escape from the death trap and the villains return to find them long gone. I think this time I'll stick around to make sure that doesn't happen. Hope you're not shy about dying in public.<p>

BUSST  
>I am. I get stage fright.<p>

ATRECK  
>Just wait. Soon you'll be beside yourself with fear.<p>

BOMB  
>Best thing for that is to take a deep breath, Lotta.<p>

BUSST  
>Easy for you to say! You must end up in death traps every week!<p>

BOMB  
>No, really. Take a deep breath.<p>

She reluctantly does so and holds it. Bomb sucks in a deep breath also, and kicks off his right shoe, exposing a dirty sock. Atreck immediately falls unconscious from the fumes.  
>Bomb then fumbles the laser pen out of his sleeve, activates it, and cuts the bonds on his wrist. He makes short work of the rest of his bonds, slips his shoe back on to cover the sock, and frees Busst as they both let out their held breaths and take in new ones.<p>

BUSST  
>Was that one of Stench's socks?<p>

BOMB  
>I slipped it on in his bedroom.<p>

A GUARD barges through the entrance to the hall, followed by two others.

GUARD  
>Hey Atreck, you done with Bomb yet-<p>

The guard sees Bomb and Busst alive and kicking, and Atreck sprawled on the floor.

BOMB  
>Thank goodness, I was afraid there wouldn't be an action sequence in this chapter.<p>

GUARD  
>GET HIM!<p>

The three guards rush Bomb. A free-for-all begins, fists flying in and out of a tight dog pile centered on Bomb as Busst watches in shock.  
>After several moments, Bomb's STUNTMAN drags himself partly out from underneath the pile of brawling guards, black and blue and wearing yet another mangled copy of Bomb s outfit.<p>

STUNTMAN  
>They don't pay me enough for this!<p>

With a horrified yelp, he's pulled back into the fight.  
>Suddenly a cloud of thick gas erupts from the fight. The guards quickly fall unconscious. Bomb - real Bomb, holding his breath again - emerges from the pile of bodies.<p>

BUSST  
>The dirty sock again?<p>

BOMB  
>No, anesthesia gas cufflinks. Pity, that sequence was a lot shorter than the others.<p>

Footsteps begin to be heard from out in the corridor.

BOMB  
>But maybe we'll have another round. Stay here.<p>

Bomb leaves Busst behind while he exits the hall to the corridor. He sneaks up on another doorway, gun at the ready. An armed man steps through the doorway, and Bomb grabs him from behind, chops the gun out of his hand, and puts him in a headlock.  
>When we get a clear view of the newcomer, it's FERRETS LOOTER, who in turn gets a clear view of Bomb.<p>

LOOTER  
>Geez, Bomb! Don't you ever greet people with handshakes anymore?<p>

Bomb immediately releases Looter.

BOMB  
>Ferrets Looter, my favorite CIA operative. What brings you here?<p>

LOOTER  
>We've been after Blowhard for years, ever since he started impersonating an old-time TV detective. You'd never think such an evil character would like lollypops so much.<p>

BOMB  
>And how did you find his base?<p>

Looter responds by taking a short book out of his pocket, and showing Bomb that its title is "Map to the Villains' Hideouts."

LOOTER  
>This book's come in pretty handy for us. It shows Al Capone's secret vault, the address of John Dillinger s mother, and the spot where Jimmy Hoffa took his last swim.<p>

BOMB  
>I'll have to buy a copy. So where's Blowhard?<p>

LOOTER  
>I was hoping you could tell us. We just broke into the base and haven't found anyone important yet.<p>

BOMB  
>What about the main control room?<p>

LOOTER  
>Empty but messy. Looks like everyone left in a hurry.<p>

Bomb leads Looter back into the concert-slash-torture hall.

BOMB  
>He must've finished the control circuit. Well, at least we have Atreck -<p>

But only the unconscious guards are still in the hall.

BOMB  
>Escaped! And she's taken Lotta Busst!<p>

LOOTER  
>"Lotta Busst?" Let me guess, your latest pick-up?<p>

BOMB  
>I admit, it's not as subtle as with previous girls -<p>

LOOTER  
>This entire base exploding around us would be more subtle than that!<p>

They start hearing a regular electronic ticking.

LOOTER  
>I should've used a different analogy, right?<p>

SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, MAIN CONTROL ROOM, SECRET BASE

Bomb and Looter run into the control room and discover the ticking sound is coming from the main computer, where a digital clock is counting down "00:53", "00:52", "00:51"...

BOMB  
>Quite.<p>

Looter pulls out his pocket radio and activates it.

LOOTER  
>Looter to all agents: RUN AWAY!<p>

Bomb and Looter and every other CIA agent in the place run away toward the secret elevator.

SCENE 10 - EXTERIOR, LEFT PAW, SPHINX

The left paw rises up as the elevator reaches ground level, and everyone aboard races off and drops to the sand, heads covered by arms, waiting for the blast.  
>KA-BOOM! The massive explosion is largely muffled by the weight of the Sphinx, but the entire area does shudder a lot. The only real visible signs are large jets of smoke erupting from the Sphinx's mouth and rear end, accompanied by a very loud sound of passing gas.<br>Looter turns to Bomb in disbelief.

LOOTER  
>SERIOUSLY? They turned the explosion under the Sphinx into a FART JOKE? The old, worn-out cliche of the villain's base blowing up, and that's the best the writers could come up with to lampoon it!<p>

BOMB  
>Or perhaps they re just pandering to the lowest common denominator.<p>

LOOTER  
>Oh, is that it! Forget about being clever with word-play, irony, and satire, they just figure the public only wants crude humor about gas and other body functions!<p>

BOMB  
>I'm afraid that's the way the wind is blowing.<p>

LOOTER  
>(beat)<br>Next movie, you're on your own.

TO BE CONTINUED

This has been an RC Gumby Production, based upon the many productions of Ian Fleming, who is now shaking and stirring in his grave.


	6. Chapter 5: You'll Only Laugh Twice

LICENSE TO DRILL

Chapter 5: You'll Only Laugh Twice

SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, SPHINX

FERRETS LOOTER and another CIA AGENT approach JAMES BOMB.

LOOTER  
>Looks like except for us and a few prisoners, everyone else escaped.<p>

An onscreen caption flashes RECAP during Bomb's next line.

BOMB  
>And they've taken Lotta Busst and the finished circuit design. With it, they could hijack every military satellite network in the world. Are the prisoners talking?<p>

LOOTER  
>They don't know anything. We searched the whole area with a fine-toothed comb -<p>

CIA AGENT  
>We even used hair spray.<p>

LOOTER  
>And we found nothing to indicate where Blowhard and his cronies went.<p>

BOMB  
>We have to find out. Otherwise, not only will they be able to blackmail the entire world, but I may have to return to Britain without having a climactic battle with the story's villains. And what kind of James Bomb movie would it be without a big climax?<p>

Pregnant pause.

LOOTER  
>I'm not even touching that one.<p>

Bomb ponders for a moment, then his face brightens.

BOMB  
>Maybe I do know how to find Blowhard.<p>

SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, TOURIST INFORMATION OFFICE, CAIRO

Bomb and Looter watch as a TOUR GUIDE accesses an online database of villains secret bases.

TOUR GUIDE  
>Here you go. Blowhard's gone to the Danforth Tracking Station in New Zealand. It's one of the more powerful radio transceiver facilities in the Southern Hemisphere.<p>

BOMB  
>And the most isolated. The perfect place to take control of, and from which to take control of entire satellite networks.<p>

LOOTER  
>Let's go.<br>(to the tour guide)  
>Thanks for the assistance.<p>

Bomb and Looter exit the office. The tour guide calls after him.

TOUR GUIDE  
>If you're going by way of Hawaii, try a side trip to Mauna Loa! Dr. No-No just built a secret lab there!<p>

SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, DANFORTH TRACKING STATION, NEW ZEALAND

The tracking station is located near the shore of one of New Zealand's fiords - large mountain lakes. Several satellite dishes are poised above the station on towers of varying heights. Blowhard's goons are busy working on the largest dish, while guards patrol the grounds below under JERRY ATRECK's command.  
>Bomb sneaks through the bushes surrounding the station, looking for a way past the guards. He steps loudly on a branch instead. A GUARD reacts:<p>

GUARD  
>Over there!<p>

Atreck reacts to the guard's reaction.

ATRECK  
>Get him!<p>

Every guard in sight rushes toward the bushes. The STUNTMAN, wearing a fresh Bomb costume, is pushed kicking and protesting out of the bushes and into the guards' path.

STUNTMAN  
>No! Please! Not again!<p>

He sees the guards approaching with fists flying.

STUNTMAN  
>(weakly)<br>Mommy.

CUT to a long shot of an extended sequence of fisticuffs and gunplay. CUT to a shot of the real Bomb, his tuxedo barely scratched, out in the open. Atreck loads an extra-large arrow on her crossbow and takes a bead on Bomb. The arrowhead is huge, steel-tipped, and razor sharp.

ATRECK  
>Eat arrowheads, Sonny!<p>

BOMB  
>No thank you. I'm getting enough iron in my diet.<p>

Atreck lets the arrow fly. Bomb picks up a heavy metal bar and, wielding it like a baseball bat - or maybe a cricket bat, after all, he's British and cricket's a much more traditional sport there than baseball is - on the other hand, the bar is pretty much round all the way along, while cricket bats are only round at the handle and are otherwise broader and flatter than this -

BOMB  
>Get on with it!<p>

Oh - sorry.  
>At the instant the arrow reaches him, Bomb swings his makeshift bat and deflects the arrow into a long fly high into the air and back toward Atreck.<br>Not really thinking about it, Atreck sees the arrow arcing toward her, whips out a baseball mitt - I guess it was a baseball bat after all - and runs backwards to try and catch it.

ATRECK  
>I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I -<p>

SHOOMP! THUD! Atreck falls to the ground with the arrow in her chest. Bomb runs to her and sees a note tied to the arrow shaft. He pulls off the note and it says: "She got it."

BOMB  
>What an arrow defeat.<p>

Bomb suddenly looks off camera, and the stuntman staggers into shot, wearing a tattered Bomb costume, black and blue, bruised all over, and mad as hell.

STUNTMAN  
>(groans)<br>I hate you!

SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, CHIEF OPERATIONS ROOM, DANFORTH TRACKING STATION

ANGST BLOWHARD is installing the new control circuit into the master controls of the station's satellite transceivers. A. PAULING STENCH watches close by. LOTTA BUSST is in the background, tied up in a chair, guarded by two trained skunks.

BUSST  
>(about to faint)<br>I hate you!

STENCH  
>(to Busst)<br>Ask me if I care.

BUSST  
>(losing consciousness)<br>Can't get enough fresh air to!

Blowhard finishes his work.

BLOWHARD  
>There, all preparations are complete. We can access the world's military satellite networks at any time.<p>

STENCH  
>What do you think the resolution is on today's spy satellites?<p>

BLOWHARD  
>They can easily identify individual people sitting in their own homes.<p>

STENCH  
>Try 773 South Main in Reno first. I'm sure my girlfriend's cheating on me.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>I've taken control of the most sophisticated intelligence and surveillance system modern technology can produce. With it I can learn all the military secrets of the world's nations and spy on their every move. And you want to use it to check up on your girlfriend?<p>

STENCH  
>Hey, it's not every day I meet a beautiful young woman with no sense of smell!<p>

BOMB (O.S.)  
>And no taste either.<p>

Stench and Blowhard share shocked expressions.

STENCH  
>How'd you get in here! This place is crawling with guards!<p>

BOMB  
>They're on coffee break. Union.<p>

STENCH  
>Who'd you expect us to hire, Confederate?<p>

BOMB  
>(cross)<br>I'll do the bad puns in this movie, thank you.

BLOWHARD  
>Don't just stand there decomposing, Stench! Stop him!<p>

STENCH  
>(to Bomb)<br>Trick or treat! Smell my feet!

Stench slips his foot out of his shoe. Bomb quickly pulls out a spray can and sprays its contents toward Stench. Stench instantly starts choking and gagging, and he drops dead to the floor. The skunks take aim at Bomb. Bomb sprays them. The skunks run away screaming while Busst quickly revives. She reads the spray can's label:

BUSST  
>Air freshener?<p>

BOMB  
>Call it a hunch.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>You're too late, Mr. Bomb! I've already accessed the military satellite network, and my computers are filling with secret data, which I'll sell to the highest bidder -<p>

Bomb interrupts Blowhard by shooting the computers with his pen laser. The computers short out with loud explosions and die with pathetic fizzles.

BLOWHARD  
>You - . . . YOU!<br>(beat)  
>Fine! But I still have the control circuit design -!<p>

LOOTER (O.S.)  
>You mean this circuit design?<p>

FERRETS LOOTER appears, holding a gun and a box that he shakes. The sounds in the box indicate it's full of broken ceramic.

LOOTER  
>Found it in the bathroom. Looks like they really were gonna use it for re-flooring.<p>

He notices Stench's body.

LOOTER  
>What happened to Stench?<p>

BOMB  
>I got fresh with him.<p>

BLOWHARD  
>Oh to hell with it! I'm outta here!<p>

Blowhard quickly wheels toward Busst and presses a button on his wheelchair. A hidden elevator lowers him and Busst's chair through the floor.

BOMB  
>You have to give him credit. He really believes in handicap accessibility.<p>

A timer starts flashing on the remains of the computer terminal, counting down from "01:00".

LOOTER  
>He also really believes in blowing up bases!<p>

SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, DANFORTH TRACKING STATION

A combined team of Am-I-Sick and CIA operatives are mopping up the rest of Blowhard's minions when Bomb and Looter race out of the station.

LOOTER  
>THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!<p>

With a collective tired groan, everyone lies down on the ground and covers their heads with their arms to await the blast.  
>KA-BOOM! The entire station goes up in blazes. The tallest tower of receiving dishes suffers an explosion at the base and starts toppling over. It lands right on Bomb and Looter's position, but it's constructed of an open metal framework, and it's a gap between the support beams that lands over Bomb and Looter, leaving them completely unharmed.<br>When they realize it:

LOOTER  
>Now, this is better!<p>

BOMB  
>Better? It's an even older cliche than the explosion of the villain's base.<p>

LOOTER  
>But at least it's nothing to do with passing gas!<p>

Bomb and Looter climb out of the crashed tower and rejoin their fellow operatives, who are herding their prisoners toward large boats waiting at the shore of the fiord.

BOMB  
>Any chance that Blowhard was captured trying to escape?<p>

LOOTER  
>Doesn't look like it. Wait!<p>

Looter looks further down the shore of the fiord.

LOOTER  
>Over there!<p>

He points out toward a distant, smaller dock. He and Bomb see Blowhard powering up one of two hovercraft moored at the dock. Busst is in the rear of his hovercraft, still tied up as the craft takes off across the fiord.

BOMB  
>Ferrets, you take care of Blowhard's men. I'm going after him and Lotta.<p>

LOOTER  
>When can I go after the beautiful girl?<p>

BOMB  
>When you get your own movie series.<p>

Bomb runs toward the dock, jumps into the other hovercraft, and takes off after Blowhard.

SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FIORD

Bomb and Blowhard's hovercrafts chase each other across the fiord at high speed, bumping each other when they're neck and neck, dodging and swerving when they aren't. Blowhard tries shooting at Bomb. Bomb swerves and avoids the gunshots, while Busst tries to grab Blowhard's arm and stop him. Blowhard tries to knock her aside, and it ends up with both of them getting so frustrated they just rapid-fire slap each other's hands for several seconds until:  
>The chase rapidly and too closely approaches a barge covered with full clothes lines. Both boats put their fight aside and swerve to avoid hitting it, but the gale from their close passage rips several clothes off the barge. The clothes get blown onto both boats, covering their passengers. Bomb pulls a pair of panties off from around his neck.<p>

BOMB  
>Funnymoney may like this. It looks her size.<p>

The chase rapidly approaches a barge carrying oil drums. Both boats swerve to avoid hitting it, but the barge does too. In so doing, one of the oil drums falls over and bursts open on the barge's edge, smothering both passing boats with crude oil.

BOMB  
>Damn. This tuxedo is rented.<p>

The chase rapidly approaches a farm boat, which also swerves to avoid collision and subsequently dumps mounds of chicken feathers on them.

BLOWHARD  
>(shouts to Bomb)<br>It's high time someone gave you the bird!

BOMB  
>I get birds in every movie!<p>

BUSST  
>"Birds!" Haven't you ever heard of political correctness!<p>

BOMB  
>This from a woman named "Busst!"<p>

The chase rapidly approaches a fertilizer boat...

BOMB, BUSST, and CROWPELT  
>(in dismayed unison)<br>Oh no!

SCENE 7 - CAPTION CARD

"Scene omitted."

SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, FIORD

BOMB  
>Stench would have loved this.<br>(to Blowhard)  
>Will you kindly let go of Miss Busst!<p>

BLOWHARD  
>I'm not letting go of her kindly or otherwise!<p>

BUSST  
>Wait a minute! Laundry boats! Oil boats! Fertilizer boats! Whoever heard of boats like that traveling on a lake in New Zealand?<p>

Fiord.

BUSST  
>Whatever!<p>

BLOWHARD  
>Yes, well you see, originally the script had this as a chase between lawn tractors on a mountain highway. The writers thought that would be an amusing parody of a car chase. But later they remembered the movie already had two road chases already, so they needed to come up with something different, and so they rewrote this as a chase between hovercrafts instead.<p>

BUSST  
>So they let the scene get completely unrealistic just so they could do a different kind of action sequence? That's stupid!<br>(beat)  
>In any case, they already did a boat chase way back in the teaser, so this is repeating things too! The only thing we haven't done yet is an air chase, so why not airplanes?<p>

BLOWHARD  
>And have laundry planes, oil planes, and fertilizer planes? Don't be ridiculous!<p>

BOMB (O.S.)  
>Who says we can't have air vehicles?<p>

Blowhard and Busst look up in surprise to see Bomb hovering over their hovercraft, wearing U's flying beanie. Bomb swoops down, grabs Busst, and lifts her out of the hovercraft before Blowhard can stop them.

BOMB  
>As they say in America, see you in the funny papers!<p>

BUSST  
>Say hi to Little Orphan Annie, Baldy!<p>

Bomb and Busst fly away, far out of Blowhard's reach.

BLOWHARD  
>No! I won't be defeated so easily! I'll -<p>

Blowhard's boat's motor sputters.

BLOWHARD  
>I'll . . . run out of gas.<p>

The boat slows to a stop near the mouth of the fiord before it can turn away, and begins drifting into the mouth.

BLOWHARD  
>Wonderful! And NOW there are no other boats around! No one to lend me gas, is there? No one cares if the villain gets stranded in the middle of a lake -<p>

Fiord!

BLOWHARD  
>Shut up! No one cares if I get stranded in the middle . . . of . . .<p>

He notices the boat is drifting faster and faster through the fiord's mouth, and he starts hearing the roar of rushing water ahead.

BLOWHARD  
>Tell me they wouldn't.<p>

They would: It's a waterfall.

BLOWHARD  
>I've just decided.<p>

As his boat topples over the falls:

BLOWHARD  
>I HATE CLICHE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ES!<p>

SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, HEAD OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS

W's intercom buzzes. MISS FUNNYMONEY calls him.

FUNNYMONEY (O.S.)  
>W? I have Mr. Bomb on Line 1.<p>

W activates Line 1.

W  
>Bomb? I wanted to let you know the circuit has been brought safely to Britain and is now under production for the government. Good job. In fact, the Prime Minister wants you at Number 10 to congratulate you in person.<p>

SCENE 10 - INTERIOR, LOTTA BUSST'S BEDROOM, LAS VEGAS

Bomb is on the phone with W while lying in bed naked with Busst, who is all but naked herself.

BOMB  
>Tell the Prime Minister I can be there tomorrow. I'm afraid I'm rather busy right now.<p>

W (O.S.)  
>Who is she this time?<p>

BOMB  
>Really, W. Have a little faith.<p>

Bomb hangs up, then gazes at Busst, then looks toward the camera and smirks.

BOMB  
>I'm definitely keeping this role for any sequels.<p>

BUSST  
>There's just one thing that would make this better.<p>

BOMB  
>What's that?<p>

BUSST  
>The title of this story: License to Drill. I'm dying to know what that's supposed to mean.<p>

BOMB  
>Actually, that's quite simple. You see, as well as being on Her Majesty's Secret Service, I inherited the family well-digging business. And due to the depth and narrow width of modern wells, we have to use drills instead of shovels. So if I want to keep the business going -<p>

BUSST  
>You need a license to drill! Ugh!<p>

SCENE 11 - INTERIOR, MOVIE STUDIO

LOOTER  
>Drilling wells? What a cop-out!<p>

BOMB  
>Well, we had to keep the story to PG-13 or less!<p>

Filmed on location in the writer's imagination.

Extras provided by the voices in the writer's head.

Money provided by the underside of the writer's couch cushions.

Story presented by RC Gumby Productions.

RC Gumby Productions presented by RC Gumby.

RC Gumby presented by RC Gumby's parents.

RC Gumby's parents presented by -

BOMB (V.O.)  
>Oh, shut up!<p> 


End file.
